Books saved my life
by anniewanny2
Summary: My take on how growing up would have been like for Lucy with a controlling, strict father, losing her mother at an early age and what drove her to run away.


**Fairy tail is one of my newest obsessions, I really like the Lucy Heartfilia arc and it got me thinking to how it would have been like to live along with a father like that. Especially the scene where she would rather jump from a building then risk go back to her father. This is what I came up with. I hope you guys like it and once again I apologize in advance for any errors in spelling and grammar, I am from Belgium so English is NOT my native language. **

**Books saved my life.**

How could it have come to this? I was lying on the floor in the middle of my room, staring at the sparkly crystals of my chandelier pretending them to be stars. Oh how I long for a wishing star, how long have I laid here? Going from the coldness from the floor that has now permeated my body I guess it would be a few hours. I don't mind being cold, I'm past the point of caring about anything now. It amazes me how quickly you can lose everything, my eyes travel around my room, to what is left of my belongings. But the only thing I notice is the lack of everything, no more color, no more love, no more mom, no more hope. My eyes land on my empty bookcase … no books, that stung more than anything.

I always loved books, only now do I really grasp how important they had been, they saved my life. My name is Lucy Hearthfilia, I am the daughter of the wealthy railroad owner Jude Hearthfilia. I am a well educated, sophisticated lady, as my father taught me to be. I learned everything from economics to French, from how to hold your glass to how to walk like floating across the floor. I never disrespected the family by engrossing myself in mindless games that are beneath our standards … in public and most important of all I have NEVER left the domain without supervision under any circumstances. My father always said that if I did everything he wanted and obeyed like a daughter should do I would be heading for a good future. Doesn't look like I'll be heading anywhere soon. It scares me that I even lost the ability to cry, there is nothing inside me anymore, my heart is as empty as the shelves of my bookcase. I've lost who I am, it seems like no more Lucy either.

I remember a time were 'family' meant happy times , laughter and safety and 'home' consisted of hugs, love and warm welcoms. My mother changed the meaning of many words as she passed, even if it has been over eleven years my heart hasn't healed completely and I guess my father's had been shattered beyond repair. I don't recognize him anymore, a heart does a lot to a person, it feels like my dad is the one who truly died that day. Sometimes I could feel my mom's presence whenever I walk by the old swing she used to push me on or the flowers we planted together, it doesn't feel like she has completely abandoned me. But my father, the man that gave me piggyback rides and scolded the bullies for me, it has been a long time since I seen a shimmer of that person. My father, I can't even be angry at him, even if I was yelling my lungs out moments earlier. It seems like he succeeded this time, he broke me. I feel the floorboards digging into my back, to think he found it, my last hope, that monster.

When I was younger I tried in vain to seek comfort from him, even tried to cheer him up or get him to join me in a game but every time he ruthlessly pulled up a barrier that my little five year old fists could not knock down, it did me more harm trying to break through then anything else. I hoped that in time maybe he would let me in again, so I went along with everything he wanted. Wishing that that someday he would realize I was still standing in front of his wall and he would pull me inside. How foolishly naïve had I been. I am done waiting for him, it has been eleven years and if there was any change in his behavior towards me it was for the worse.

One act of defiance was all it took. I didn't think he could take anymore from me, my pride and freedom were long gone but now it seems he took hope as well. Books have kept Lucy alive until now. How did it come to this?

It was never easy for me … rules, obedience, I always had a wild imagination and I longed to go on adventures. But the closest I came to playing outside was a supervised walk through our gardens. With my twelfth birthday my longing for adventure reached a peak. In order to quell some of its thirst I devoured book after book, I had always loved fairy tales. They gave me hope, not because of the handsome prince that would come and save the princess or the cheesy romance they had, but because without fail in the end every one of the princesses got their happy endings. The adventures they went on made me close my eyes and imagine that I myself was accompanying them on their journeys, sometimes the books didn't always evolve the way I wanted though. I was kind of stubborn that way.

I always got a little mad when during a fight the princess would stand by idly and cheer on whoever was defending her honor, I had no idea how to fight but I decided that if someone pushed me around I would not wait for someone to come rescue me but push right back. So I took a piece of paper and rewrote the action part myself and tucked it into the book, I nodded at my handiwork quite pleased with myself. It made absolutely no sense that sleeping beauty would conveniently wake up for five minutes to help prince Philip slay the dragon only to fall asleep again so she could be kissed awake, but in my twelve year old mind it could NOT be any other way. Soon all the books I owned had little pieces of paper sticking out of them with story adjustments written on them.

I didn't like all the books father bought me, I didn't really understand it at the time but some pages made me so angry that I refused to finish the book and I banned them to the top shelf. Once I got so furious I ripped the page out crumpled it and threw it to the other end of the room.

Fairy tales saved my life, they kept my spirit awake and my heart hopeful. I do not want to think about how I would have turned out if I didn't have that little bit of freedom. Still it was fragile, I used to have to constantly remind myself how to behave in certain situations, but after a while the constraints on my spirit seemed to become permanent.

The biggest turn around in my life I realized came when I was fourteen and I heard one of the maids in the garden talk about the greatest taboo of all … magic. I don't even know how I picked it up, but that little whisper reached my ear somehow and my heart pounded in excitement. Some of the books had magic in them, but when I asked my father about it he slapped me right across the cheek. I had never been so scared in my life, his face was red and I didn't even understand what he was yelling because I shut down out of fright. That was the last time I saw my fairy tale books. Any mention of magic was strictly banned from the estate. I gathered all of my nerve and when I asked the maid later that evening about it, when I was sure no one was listening. This came as close to rebellion as I had ever gotten, it was quite a thrill at the time. The maid of course denied ever speaking of such things and begged not to ask her about it again.

I considered my options, father would not tell me, the maids were to afraid of father to tell me more about it and I didn't know anyone on the outside. Frustrated I stomped my foot like a little child and felt the floorboard give away a little. I remember reading about secret hide outs in one of my books and with the help of my comb I somehow managed to get two planks lose, beneath it was a little compartment. Quickly I stuffed it with all of my personal belongings, so that my father couldn't take them away. How naïve I was back then.

I had to speak to that maid again, but she made sure not to be caught alone with me again. But still going against my father's wishes even over something as silly as this send electricity through my body, it was an exciting thrill and I pretended to be a knight sneaking through the evil kings castle. I tried for weeks to get her attention, I had to explain how important it was for me. I felt like I was slowly losing grasp of the old Lucy and I hadn't felt a thrill like this ever since my fairy tale book was stolen from me. I was prepared to give her all the jewels she wanted and even carried a couple of diamonds with me everywhere I went, just in case.

Finally I saw my chance, I entered the kitchen to get something to drink and it was just her and our cook. I knew her very well Mrs Heinz had been around ever since my mother was still alive and I trusted her not to say a word about any of this.

"Miss Lucy!" the young maid jumped up, startled. "Can I get something for you?" she asked nervously.

"No I am fine, I just wanted to talk if that's alright." I sat down across from where she was peeling potatoes.

"I'm very busy miss." She said.

"It won't take long." I said, I took out the two diamonds and placed them on the table, "I know you know about magic, now I do not want to get you into trouble, I understand what I am asking of you. But please I am begging you." she shook her head furiously and kept her eyes occupied, to afraid to even look at me.

"No one has to know! I'll give you whatever you want, but please help me." I begged her, with trembling hands she put the knife down and finally looked me in the eye.

"I would like to help you miss I really would, but I really don't know anything." she said with pity in her eyes. I blinked my tears away, stood up and pushed the two diamonds in her hands.

"Then please go buy something related to it, I don't care what it is I'll …"

"I cannot take them, please understand. Even if I knew where to acquire something like that if, I am just a maid they would think I stole the money, Mr Heartfilia would be merciless towards me and my family." she gave me back the diamonds and stood up. "Please do not ask me again miss, we could BOTH get into serious trouble." She said and left the kitchen. I didn't think about that.

But what more could he do to me? My hopes died, there wasn't any escape for me, no freedom in any form anymore. The only sound left was the old maid doing the dishes.

"I'm sorry for everything, good night Miss Heinz." I said to the chef who hadn't said a word during this whole ordeal, and left the kitchen. Like a person condemned I walked back to my room. I tried to get the dress of myself but I couldn't quite reach behind me to undo the many strings of the corset. The more I tried the tighter its hold seemed to become, until I became hysterical and just cut the thing off. I didn't bother to change into my robes and just crawled into bed and fell into a dreamless state.

I don't even remember the next couple of days. I wandered around aimlessly, I read about economics, I don't know if I ate at all it couldn't have been much. I became numb. Worst of all father congratulated me on it, I never felt miserable and he was glad. I never obeyed as well as I did now, I finally behaved like a lady of my stature he said during diner I remember looking up at him and smiling, because that was what one was required to do when receiving a complement.

I came back to my room and saw a book lying on my bed. Probably another gift, I didn't think anything of it father would sometimes give me new books when I did something to earn his approval. He was more careful though, everyone of them scanned for any inappropriate contents. I got changed and walked to my bed, I picked up the book and was about to put it on my nightstand. The binding felt strange, leathery and decorated with strange symbols. This doesn't seem like anything father would wanted me to have. So I went to my dresser and turned the light back on.

My heart startled for two reasons, one the book was a thick binding that explained the secrets of the mystic arts but most of all because of the woman holding it. My reflection in the mirror, I didn't recognize myself. People used to tell me that I looked like my mother, I resembled her with my long blond hair and the shape of my chin, I took pride in that but ... The cold brown eyes that were staring at me, they were my father's, it terrified me more than anything.

Was this how my father became the monster he is now? Would I … no ! Like a woman possessed I started to read, I read everything, from the long introduction explaining how magic first came to be to the littlest footnotes. I didn't realize it was morning until I didn't need the light of the dresser anymore to read. I still wasn't halfway through it, but my hearth felt more alive than ever before. And when I looked back into the mirror I recognized Lucy again even if it was a little.

I realized the gift that I have been given, someone somewhere in this house of strangers must have heard my pleas and granted me a miracle. I had my suspicions of who could have helped me but I would not harm them by being reckless. My encounter with the maid taught me that my actions could have dire consequences for others. So I guessed the best way to thank them was to remain quiet about the matter. I crawled over to my newly discovered secret hiding place threw everything out and placed my new treasure in it. I closed the loose boards again and placed the mat back on top of them. Even hidden from sight I remember the hope and fire that book gave me.

The numbness was seeping away and I felt alive again. So in hope to keep the spark alive I studied like a mad woman, it proved to be difficult though without a proper teacher and no other means of information. I tried to perform all sorts of magic in my room, holder type, runes, plant magic, elemental magic … but every time I thought I felt the spark ignite it sizzled back to the little glow it had before.

But I refused to give up, every time my father was out of town for an important meeting I tried and practiced until the sun came back up. I learned of guilds and often fantasized how it would be like to belong to one, no rules, no fences, standing on your own two feet. Sometimes when I was sure nobody was looking I drew some of the guild symbols on my skin, only to erase them quickly after a couple of seconds. I imagined fire coming out of my hands, summoning various objects and fighting mythical creatures.

This went on for a couple of years, my daydreaming never stopped and neither did my attempts at magic even though they haven't been much more fruitful then the first couple of tries. I refused to back down though. The day I turned sixteen, there was a huge party in my honor. I didn't know anybody who came of course. They were all business partners of my father, who thought this to be the perfect excuse to flaunt his wealth in their faces and close a few important deals because of it. I played the perfect daughter, I laughed when I was supposed to, I danced when they asked me to, I allowed father to show me off to everyone . I hated it.

But that night changed my life, I have my suspicions to who did it but I would never get to thank them. When I was excused back to my chambers I found a little box on my bed, attached to it was a letter.

_My lovely Lucy, _

_Happy Birthday,_

_My mother gave me this on my sixteenth birthday so I see it fitting that you receive it now, by now I'm sure your father must have told you all about your heritage. Magic has always been in our family, I wish more than anything that I could have been the one to teach you. _

_My little one, I wish for you all the happiness in the world, do whatever your heart tells you to do. I will always watch over you my beautiful daughter. _

_I love you with all my heart,_

_Mom._

I was crying, I was crying so hard. With trembling hands I opened the small box that came with the letter and found a little golden key.I hugged it to my chest before I studied it closely, there were markings that were strangely familiar and I felt the same tingling I felt during my more successful attempts. Magic! I tore through floor to my magic book. I practically ripped the pages trying to find the chapter I was looking for, Celestial magic. I never gave it much attention before, cause no way would I every be able to come across a spirit.

The key that my mother gave me was Aquarius the water bearer, one of the rare zodiac keys. The more I read the angrier I became, _you're father must have told you all about your heritage_! I stomped over to the door prepared to interrupt whatever my father was doing and tell him exactly … by the time I grasped the doorknob I started to think. What would I say? What good would it do? Knowing him it would result in taking away my entire magic collection including the precious gift from my mother, solitary confinement for me and probably a replacement of personnel. That last one more than anything caused me to release the doorknob and take a few steps backwards. I picked up the letter and traced the handwritten words, I tried to image how her voice sounded what she smelled like. I kissed the letter and carefully folded it and placed it on top of my magic book in the secret hide out.

I ripped the ridiculously expensive diamond of an old necklace of mine and slipped the key on it instead. I wanted that little piece of mom with me for all times. When I focused I could feel the magical energy surrounding the key respond with my heart. I knew that I couldn't summon the spirit, yet. Not only did it take a huge amount of magical energy to summon a zodiac spirit, but Aquarius is a water spirit so I would only be able to summon her near her element, which was impossible. I would find a way though, mom wanted me to have this and intended for me to use it and that was more important for me then any rules my father may place upon me.

Father noticed my change in behavior and was not pleased with it, but I didn't care anymore. In my eyes he betrayed me and my mom, by ignoring her last wishes and keeping me away from the only thing she left behind. I was furious and I was glad at the same time, finally I felt passion in my heart, finally he had given me a reason to be angry at him, he had given me an excuse to disobey. No longer would I wait in front of his wall, instead I turned away and pulled up my own. Whenever he was out of town I took the opportunity to sneak into his chambers and search through everything, I thought that maybe there were more things he kept hidden from me. More memories of mom he refused to share for whatever reason. But I never found anything, I could only hope that the letter was the only thing mom left me and that he didn't throw anything away, but I knew better.

I felt so much, anger, passion, sadness, I couldn't let it out. I tried, I tried to keep my righteous indignation contained, but I knew it wanted to lash out. I did a good job keeping it at bay, until a couple of hours ago that is. I can't believe that all that fire in my heart died out so quickly. He had just come home from a business meeting and he was in a strangely good mood. By the end of dinner he told me why, apparently one of the men I danced with on the party was impressed with me and wanted my hand in marriage. I didn't know which of the faces he was talking about but every single one of them seemed twice my age. An investment in your future, good for the company, a most favorable match, you should be happy. That last one was enough to snap my control.

"I SHOULD BE HAPPY?" I yelled, I remember starting a tirade and in my flush of words I told him just how happy I was that he had kept my mother's magical abilities a secret, or something like that. I felt relieved and was even panting when my speech was over. I kept watching him, during most of my yelling he seemed impassive like he didn't even care that he drove me to the brink of insanity and back. Only when I mentioned my mother and magic did he look angry, glad that I was able to affect him in some way I just kept going. Of course I said some things I probably shouldn't have said but at the time nothing could have stopped me, a lifetime worth of anger was rushing out. He struck me, I wasn't surprised, it didn't even hurt as much as I thought it would.

"How do you know about that?" he yelled. I told him about the letter. He clenched his fist a couple of times, I wondered if he would punch me, I decided I didn't care. He grabbed my arm quite forcefully and locked me in his office, I heard him yell at a couple of servants and something shattering. I slumped against the wall and sat there for quite some time, is this what you wanted? I thought, as the anger died down, sadness and fear came. What would I do now? What good has this done?

I would still be married off, probably to someone even worse. The servants would be punished, it will be a long time until I can see sunshine again and what is the point? What's the point? It was late in the evening when a large personal butler of my father came for me, he said he was to take me to my room and that I was to remain there until receiving further orders.

Everything had been taken from me, every book even the cursed top shelf, every note that I ever made, my diaries. I feared the worst when I saw that the carpet had been moved, I threw it aside and instantly saw that the wooden boards were not arranged like I always did. When I opened them my heart sank, nothing. Just emptiness, I shouldn't be so sad, I had memorized that book from cover to cover but I desperately needed something to hold on to.

So here I am now on the floor, thinking about where it all went wrong, when nothing really went right in the first place. The spark was gone from my heart, Lucy had died, I couldn't even feel the magic from the key anymore. It's like the spirit has abandoned me too. I need a miracle, I look towards the sparkly chandelier again, pretending that one of the stars was of the falling kind. I need a miracle I thought, some prince to save me please! But nothing responded, nothing. I let my head fall to the side and I stared across the floor, waiting for something to happen.

After a couple of hours I noticed a bit of crumbled paper sticking out from under one of the legs of the closet. It started to wobble years ago and I found a piece of paper on the floor to keep it steady. I didn't know what it was exactly I didn't pay much attention to it at the time, but it was the only piece of paper left. I crawled over to it hoping it to be something, some miracle that could keep my spark alive like the fairy tales or the magic book. Please let it be a hidden message, a chapter written by seven year old me , please something I prayed. I unfolded it and saw that there were words printed on it, my hope dwindled, probably just a piece of newspaper.

I started to read if because I didn't have anything else to do, it wasn't newspaper, it was from a book. It was clearly not something I was desperately looking for , I almost threw it away out of frustration, thank you universe I wanted a miracle. I didn't recognize it at first but as I read on I vaguely remember ripping a page out of a book when I was little and almost laughed at my childishness back then. Book didn't go how I wanted, I just changed it or destroyed it, I longed to have that attitude again. It took me a while to find the part that made me so furious back then. But I knew what it was when I read it.

_"… I saw my whole life as if I'd already lived it...an endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches... always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared...or even noticed …" _

I knew now why I ripped it out, it wasn't because I was angry at the character, but because it described where my life was headed where I was going, where I am now. It terrified me then, now I understood why because I couldn't just rewrite my own life, could I? My life always seemed so out of my hands, that was why I altered the stories I didn't like, I realized, because I at the very least I could change that. I longed to be someone strong, I remember hating the despairing princesses and their waiting for a prince to save them, hadn't I always swore that that was something I would never do? My seven year old self was wiser then I am now, I wished I could rip out this part of my life too. I was so angry at myself that five minutes ago I longed for someone to solve my problems for me.

I felt the timber set fire in my heart again, this was what I was missing, I felt the key tremble in excitement to my epiphany. I decided then just like I rewrote those chapters when I was little, I could rewrite my own life. Starting right now.

_Do whatever your heart tells you to do._

Thanks mom, I whispered to the key.

With that I left and began writing my own life. I placed the old chapters of my life on the top shelf where they belonged and went on without them. The only things in my possession the key, some clothes, a little money and that single page. Once again a book saved my life.


End file.
